A bit of an aimless rant about the FA Cup

With us having no game this weekend, I’ve had nothing obvious to write about.

I could write about the cretins, Hicks and Gillett who have been back in the headlines this week due to their ongoing attempts to salvage some cash from the train wreck that was their ‘custodianship’ of Liverpool FC. I could but I won’t because I’m sick to death of the pair of them. They are no longer relevant to Liverpool Football Club. They came; they caused an awful lot of damage; they were booted out and now finally the club is heading forwards again - albeit from a very low starting position. So screw Hicks and Gillett. They are pathetic individuals bereft of class, honour and moral fibre but they are no longer relevant to Liverpool Football Club and are therefore no longer relevant to me.

In the end, I decided the only thing worth writing about is the reason why we have no game this weekend... The FA Cup. The Cup we were eliminated from after a single match.

Let me tell you this: I fucking hate the FA Cup. Why? Because it fucking hates me.

My first memory as a Liverpool supporter was the 1986 FA Cup Final when we beat Everton 3-1 thanks to Rushie’s brace. We went on to win the Cup twice more in the next 6 seasons. Up to that point, I had no issues with the competition but then in 1996 I experienced what remains my most painful memory as a supporter. Beige Armani suits, Spice Boys, a dull-as-ditchwater final and Eric bloody Cantona with a late winner for the Scum. Fergie’s beaming grin. Fowler in tears. The horror. The horror.

What was so painful about that ’96 final was that it undermined everything I believed about Liverpool FC and football in general. You see, having previously been at most a passive fan, by the 1995-96 season I was seriously hooked. I had started listening to the live games on the radio and watching the few games televised on terrestrial TV and I now knew most of the players. I idolised Robbie Fowler and Steve McManaman and would get really excited about our games.

I knew that Liverpool was the best team in the world. I knew that we’d had a bad few years because Graeme Souness was a rubbish manager and I knew his removal was all it would take to put us back on top. I knew that Man United were jammy and cheated and didn’t deserve a single one of the trophies they’d taken while Souness had us in the doldrums. I knew that we were better than them – a point proven by our 2-0 win over them at Anfield while I also knew they’d only managed a 2-2 draw against us at Old Trafford because they’d conned the ref into giving them a dodgy penalty. I knew that the only reason we hadn’t won the League in 1996 was because of a nightmare month of November when we were quite clearly jinxed. I knew that in the previous two years when my family had moved house (1989 and 1992), Liverpool had won the Cup and we’d moved again in 1996 so it was fated that we would win it.

I sat down to watch that match with my Dad with absolutely 100% certainty that we were going to be lifting the trophy after full time. That full-time whistle was like a dagger through the heart.

The season after, I had to work during our FA Cup fourth round tie at Chelsea. As I scrubbed dishes in the kitchen of the Bay Horse, one of the waitresses stuck her head through the door to say “1-0. Fowler”. She later returned with the message “2-0. Collymore”. I finished my shift and walked home knowing my Dad had recorded the match for me. I couldn’t wait to watch it. As I walked into my house, the match had just finished and I accidentally saw the scoreline 4-2 flashed on the telly. I thought “Wow, we scored 4! I wonder who got the other 2?”. I took the tape upstairs to my room and sat down to watch it. Sure enough, we went 1-0 up (Fowler), then 2-0 (Collymore). Then Chelsea pulled one back. Then another. Then another... I waited for Chelsea’s third to be disallowed but the celebrations of the home team continued. “Hang on!” I thought. It suddenly dawned on me that perhaps Chelsea had won 4-2; not Liverpool. I fast-forwarded through the rest of the game and found it to be true. We were out in round 4. Gutted! How could this happen? Chelsea were shit. Liverpool were the best.

A year later as we went out of the Cup in the 3rd Round at home to Coventry City, I now knew that Liverpool were not the best. Not by a long way. You see, Roy Evans was the problem. Like Souness before him, he was holding us back from reclaiming our rightful status of World’s Best Club. He had to go.

In came Gerard Houllier. In 1998-99, a hard-earned win at Port Vale set us up for the “tie of the round” against Man Ure at Old Trafford. Shorn of Evans, we were about to show Man Ure that we were back. We went 1-0 up after just 3 minutes and held that lead until we were within touching distance of full-time. Then Nicky Butt tripped over the ball in the vicinity of Jamie Redknapp and Graham Poll awarded a farcical free-kick from which United scored an 88th minute equaliser. Bastards. “Still, at least we’ll do them in the replay at Anfield,” I thought but then in stoppage time Ole Gunnar Solskjaer stole a stomach-churning winner and our season was over in January.

The next season we went out in the fourth round at home to Blackburn – who were then in the division below the Premiership – but in 2000-01 we finally got beyond round 4 and went on to win the bastard!!!!

2001-02 saw us dumped out at Highbury in the fourth round after Carragher was sent off for returning a coin to an Arsenal supporter who had lobbed it at him. 2002-03 saw us dumped out in round 4 again and once again it was at home to opponents from a lower division – this time Crystal Palace. In 2003-04 we finally got beyond round 4 but no further after we failed to beat Portsmouth at home and lost the replay. In 2004-05 we went out in round 3 at Burnley thanks to THAT Djimi Traore own goal. Then in 2005-06 we won it again! Hallelujah!!! By now, Rafa had us back amongst the big boys so surely we could expect to see more regular cup runs? Er... No.

In 2006-07 we went out in round 3 at home to Arsenal (on my fucking birthday). In 2007-08 we went out in round 5 at home to Barnsley(!!!). In 2008-09 we went out in round 4 to Everton. In 2009-10 we went out in the 3rd round to Reading(!!!). Finally, this season we went out in round 3 to Man Ure.

In summary, in the last five years we have played just eight FA Cup ties and lost five of them. Those we won were against the mighty Luton Town, Havant & Waterlooville and Preston North End. It is basically a competition that heaps misery on us and brings very little joy most years.

In some ways I should feel grateful that we’ve reached 3 Finals and won 2 during the period that I could label myself a true Liverpool fanatic. Only the dirty Mancs, Arsenal and Chelsea can boast better records. My issue is that in those years when we haven’t won it, we’ve usually gone out in round 4 with the occasional appearance in round 5 offset by a number of falls at the first hurdle. Yes, we occasionally win it, but overall, we are rubbish in the FA Cup and that is why I hate it.